Emotionless Losses

Having no emotional attachment to losses helps to guard against risky decision making. We need to feel better about recooping money lost and are more willing to gamble and take chances.
Using emotions as a short cut to rational thinking is dangerous.

How many times have I thought.. I should cut my losses and leave now.. But the thought of leaving down was such a negative feeling.. My mind chose to gamble in a risky situation in hopes of winning a big pot and getting even or even leaving up.. But lost it all instead.. Or even worse... Won.. And since I was back in it and feeling great kept playing until I found myself in the same situation.. Only more fatigued and less rational.. Inevitabley doomed to go bust and walk away with nothing.

This is something I struggle with when I play cash games.



-- Post From My iPhone

Listening To That Voice That Won't Shut Up

I arrived at Commerce yesterday at about 2:30pm. I figured I was close by so there was no harm in sitting down for a few hours of cash. Of course, I knew that meant a good block of time because I would need to wait out the traffic that was forming from 4pm-8pm. But.. why not? I've got a strong urge to play today.

I'm seated and a new game is beginning. I love when this happens because we all start with the same amount of chips.. despite Commerce's terrible rule of a max buy in capped at 20x the big blind in mid to low stakes.

Early on, I'm in a small pot where I'm leading out betting a bit above the min. I have 6-2 off. The flop is K-3-4.. turn..6.. river 5. Seat 5 is smooth calling me until the river. He reraises me.. Something is telling me my 2 is no good and he made a higher straight.. he totally has a 7. For some reason I just can't call here.. when that 5 came out, I knew. I fold showing the 2 face up. Seat 5 does a double take and wide-eyed he shows his 7 and collects the pot. "Good fold.." he says.. I can't explain how I really knew his reraise was genuine.. my gut knew. We had just sat and this was an early hand so I didn't have much info on his body language but there must have been something familiar about his reaction to that 5 and following it up with a bet.

Another hand I found really interesting was when I got inside my opponent's head.. so much so that after the hand there was a physical release by way of a sigh and fall of the shoulders and back by my opponent. I call a min raise with A-J off in the small blind. We are heads up in the pot and I check blind. The flop is Q-10-3 with 2 diamonds. He bets the min again. I quickly call and check blind again. The turn is a meaningless 7. He bets 4 after a little thought and I call. The river is a 5 of diamonds. I go right for my chips and look at his.. he picks his up as if he's ready to instantly call my bet or go all in.. he doesn't have that much left but enough that it'd be a decent bet into the pot. I know this is a defensive move.. he is trying to intimidate me by giving false information.. that he'd insta-call my bet or as if his chips are going in the pot and that's that.. It almost always means he's really weak or scared.. and by his bets on each street.. I know he has no confidence in his hand. I ask, "How much do you have left?". He lifts his hands upward showing everything remaining in both hands.. I estimate and bet out about what he has.. He insta-folds JJ face up... sighs.. and his body collapses back into his chair. I just knew I could out play him in this hand.. He never bet his hand with any confidence.. he must really hate Jacks (don't we all?).

UTG, I look down at AA. I bet out my standard raise for this game. I am called by a newcomer to the table. He is still waiting for his chips.. joined the table with a gentlemen he knew next to him.. and is chatty. Seat 5 (another new guy) calls on the button.. the blinds fold. The flop 8-7-3 rainbow. New guy in seat 7 bets out a little more than pot.. seat 5 goes all in. I struggle with a decision.. right after seat 7 bets out.. he shows his cards to his friend next to him.. at this moment I know for sure he has 8-7. There's every reason for him to be in this pot with that hand.. and seat 5.. he could easily have flopped trip 3's.. What to do... well, because I ignored the voice that won't shut up.. I go all in. Seat 7 calls.. and shows 8-7.. seat 5.. shows 4-5. Turn.. is a 6. Seat 5 hits his gut shot straight and wins the whole pot. Uh!! Why didn't I listen to myself.. Why do I hold AA so high when the flop comes out.. it's just a pair at this point..

Well.. I took my last wrinkled up sad looking bill out of my pocket.. handed it to the dealer and asked to buy back in short.. for my big come back. The table laughed.. but I needed a come back. I played so well and then ignored my gut. The next hand I tripled up with 6-6.. the next hand after that, I won a big pot with K-K. I made the come back and was back.. I played for 6 hours yesterday.. my brain was done. I was so tired... so I came home and played a quick tournament online. lost (when will I learn?)... and crashed.

Happy Friday.. It is Friday, right?

Days of the week don't mean anything to me.. wait I take that back. I hate weekends now. They are busy with all the suckers with jobs crowding the places I like (or need) to go to.. I try to take care of my day to day stuff during the week and not during rush hour traffic times to avoid this nonsense. This is going to be a bit of a venting rant.. sorry. You've been warned now.

I find it really hard to wake up each day motivated. I'm depressed. Mainly about money because it prevents me from doing things I need to do (haircut, pay bills) and things I want to do (buy new shoes- wait that might be bordering on need at this point.... or play more poker).  I'm exhausted already at the 15 hour a day attempts to be productive in a way that will hopefully yield some dough I can live on. Unemployment is generous I have to admit- compared to other states.. However, it has to be because of the cost of living. My bimonthly checks from the state are barely covering rent, car payment, car insurance and gas.. that's about it. It's a shame that still leaves me with electric, food, my cell phone, credit card debt.. and any other expenses that come up.. I needed an oil change yesterday and I will soon need new break pads.. YAY! It's really hard. Each month I have to find a way to make up the other half of my salary I had grown into over the last 8 years. This isn't a whoa-is-me post by any means.. it's a fact. My day to day is burdened with the stress of how can I make some extra cash.. Can't pick up a min wage job or anything.. anything on the books will come out of my unemployment. I don't live with anyone so the bills are completely my responsibility... And I've given up on the idea that the cats were going to be famous in commercials. They apparently just want to sleep all day.. ha. don't we all.

Well, that brings me to poker.. I can't play enough right now to balance out the variance. My bankroll is my grocery money.. I lose and I can't buy food. Not good. I can't drive the 30-40 mins (no traffic) to Commerce or the Bike and play... and lose.. and drive all the way back. I can play online but it's not the same. I play better live. I try to play as much as I can afford and I am continuing to be a student of the game, reading.. and studying up... but it's hard. I feel like that's where the cash is for me but I can't get enough just yet.

Other ventures I have going are creative.. I have 3 projects I am working on and they exhaust me. The pay out on these is not immediate and not guaranteed either. It's hard to stay positive and motivated everyday when there's no guarantee there will be a pay off. I can be as proud and happy with my work all I want but that's not bringing in any extra cash.. One of these ideas is really good (ha. I feel like right now) and I think it could really lead to something big.. but it's going to cost a bit of an investment (cash) and tons of my time. I'm not giving up though.. this is where the 15 hours a day is coming into play. I swear I'm the hardest working unemployed person out there.

To wake up everyday motivated is really hard. I get in an hour of exercise everyday and make sure I spend time outside, as well to keep me going. Days like Friday, I tend to wake up depressed. I work 7 days a week.. and on those Saturdays and Sundays I avoid people and places because of the crowds.. I also avoid my old work friends now too. I can't stand to hear about the old job and other things.. like.. "oh, my god, I'm so broke right now".. really, dude? I'm unemployed.. crossing my fingers I can cover the rent this month. It's a shame too. I was friends with a lot of the people I worked with... I moved to LA (and California) with no friends or family here so those people I worked with were my friends and support. It's a shame when something like getting laid off happens.. because then you see who was really a friend... and they are few.

Today is a rough day. They certainly aren't fun and care-free days as an unemployed lady. Just trying to find the motivation everyday and the solutions to my struggles to try to make each day enjoyable and productive.

A post from the iPhone

Testing out how blogging from my phone feels.. Seems ok but I'm really used to the keypad.. Oh and it rotates. Nice
Just played some online.. Cash was a disaster and tourneys worked out. Except for that horrible river card I keep seeing in my head.

Well I need sleep.. It's all I got right now.. And I know as soon as I get into bed my cats will retire to their comfortable spots.. One happens to share my pillow.. So I don't want to keep them up any longer.


-- Post From My iPhone

Creatively Frustrated and Tired

I have taken a little time off from poker... well.. 3 full days off this week. I won online and then lost a little in a manic frenzy. My head has not been in it this week for a few reasons. I've been stressing over money.. to be expected. I was mad at myself for my bad luck last weekend in Rincon.. and I always torture myself with the... "Well, if I didn't play I could have bought this.. or paid for that.. which I so desperately need." I love playing.. I feel like I play well and my stats are average to good.. BUT.. I live off the money I win or lose. It's taken me a long time to separate myself from the money and the game in order to play with a clear head.. but even with the unemployment pressure I do well at that while I play.. it's after the game that I beat myself up over my losses.

The good news is that I have been crazy creative this week. I've got 3 projects going: my photography (GrapeSpace), jewelry (DigUnderRocks) and a mystery project that I will be wrapping up this week.. All on Etsy.com I'm very excited about these things because my other passion (after poker) is my art and design.. so the work I do makes me proud and I completely love what I do.. after all, it kinda was what I used to do for a living.. and I was good at it. This helps me not put pressure on my poker game and relaxes me....

I've been reading "How We Decide" the psychology book on decision making.  It really is great to read about how the mind works and how it applies to people in tough situations.. like athletes and pilots. Poker players are discussed later in the book. All the ideas discussed really apply.. like how after studying and working in a situation over and over again the mind takes in all the info and processes it so that when those game time decisions need to be made you really need to trust your gut or feelings.. because your mind knows.. it's been recording stats so you don't have to analyze the variables in those super time sensitive situations.. just get a feeling for what's right.  If you over think it.. you'll think yourself into the wrong answer.

As of today.. I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing and relax.. because I'm over thinking and making myself crazy.